I used to use my imagination to make up stories or entertain myself and others. However, there isn’t so much good in my world, so I spend most of my energy just trying to pretend that I belong somewhere else. I use my imagination to keep my alive (as much as that is really living).

It takes a lot out of me.

Eternally,
Petrarch

Nowadays, all I can do is focus on what I am able to do right. If I can make someone smile or tell a story correctly, then I feel I’ve done something good.
Unfortunately, I can rarely tell when I’ve done the right thing.

Eternally,
Petrarch

When I was still alive, memories helped me get through the times when I was away from you. They let me continue fighting as I waited impatiently for the next instance I’d be with you. I could remember some great memory to lift my spirits. Or a soft memory to calm me.

Now, however, they taunt me. I know I won’t see you again. Whether I want them to or not, however, those memories are still here. Still hovering nearby. I don’t know if that’s good or not sometimes, Dear Girl.

Eternally,
Petrarch

I don’t. I don’t know how. You made it disappear, so I never had to do anything about it. Now, it just kind of builds up until it bursts out of me in a lash of anger. I don’t know what else to do.

I wish you had taught me how to take care of it. Actually, I wish you were here to make my problems go away again.

Thank you, though, for all your support.

Eternally,
Petrarch

Basically, being with you made me realize that the things that were bothering me were really insignificant. I guess part of it was that you dealt with so much bigger issues and some of it was that I knew as long as you were there and believed in me, I could do anything.

You just made my stress vanish, although it was sometimes replaced with nervousness.

Eternally,
Petrarch

I didn’t know what was going on but I tried to remain calm.

Eternally,
Petrarch

As a result of having my world turned inside out, I started having nightmares. A lot of them. I’d have one almost every night, and it got so I was afraid of sleeping. I still have them fairly often but thankfully, not every night anymore. Sometimes, there’s a bright night when I dream of you and can finally have a small piece of quiet happiness again. Of course, it hurts to wake up and know it was a dream.

I can’t help but feel like it’s really you still helping me in some way.

Eternally,
Petrarch

I drew several things for her and she inspired me to do more and better, just like you, but as a result of what she did to me, I haven’t really been able to draw since then.

It’s been several years now but I still can’t.

I used to think drawing was something important to me, but I guess not.

Eternally,
Petrarch

A couple years ago, I met a girl. At first, I thought she was just a nice person.

I had long ago accepted that I’d never meet anyone like you ever again.

For some reason, though, she was curious about me and I know I’m notoriously tight-lipped about myself, but she pried me open, much more forcefully than you had but still, she had taken the time and effort to do so. We ended up spending an awful lot of time together. Hours and hours and eventually, we got in touch with or saw each other every day for a solid month. So, I just thought she was an awesome person. I really fell for her.

Then she moved away.

She hadn’t wanted to, and we sometimes communicated through e-mail or IM and all that time, I really wanted to be with her. I realized she didn’t hold a candle up to you but at the same time, I knew comparing girls to you was pointless and useless. You would want me to be happy and I thought this was my shot at it. So, I bit the bullet and decided to go after her because I thought she cared about me the same way I cared for her.

Well.

It turns out I was wrong. I think she hates me. Perhaps she always had.

Do you know what it’s like to love someone who hates you?

It’s something that’s weighed me down for years now, Laura. I don’t have anyone I can talk with about this. No one just listens and comforts me the way you would.

That’s why I’ve been writing to you, Dear Heart. It’s just too painful for me to deal with this all alone. I guess I felt that in some small way, it would be like you were there for me again.

I know, it’s a silly idea.

I don’t know if it’s helped, but I’ll continue.

Thank you.

Eternally,
Petrarch

It’s strange how life crisscrosses like that. I mean, there are plenty of other places my brother could have moved, right?

It was a couple of years ago.

I remember thinking of you a lot. Is that silly of me?

Eternally,
Petrarch